3 Steps to A Legit New Year’s Resolution

 

With every new calendar year comes the promising resolution to detox of old ways, and usher in new and improved habits.

 

What were the top 5 resolutions of 2015? Oh, you know — to lose 15 pounds, to find a soulmate, to make 25% more in disposable income, to pay off four out of ten credit cards, and to never ever sleep with your ex-boyfriend again. And you mean it this time.

 

Here’s the trouble with resolutions — most folks go about their checklist all wrong. And I’ll tell you why in three simple rants.

 

3 STEPS TO A LEGIT NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION

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Stop pretending like you’re going to stop drinking

 

The New You: “Ugh, I feel like a sloppy human. I had 10 Manhattans last night. I’m going to do this liver detox. So, no alcohol for 6 months. Support me!”

 

Me: “Holy Oreo Cookie! Why so black and white?! Quit being a weirdo, and realize that the reason most people fail in life (and in cleansing) is because they set crazy & unrealistic goals. Instead of resolving to stop drinking altogether, how about just 3 drinks a week? Or a day?”

 

The New You: “Thank you, Becky.”

 

Me: “That was stressful, wanna grab a drink?”

 

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Focus on the real toxins

 

Everyone’s always like “ugh, I eat so much junk food.”

 

Yeah, you probably should stop consuming processed MSG late-night, but how about that ego of yours? All those character toxins like uncontrollable rage, extreme jealousy, and misdirected hatred are doing your body dirty! Dirtier than any bag of Pork Rinds ever could.

 

Instead of trying to cut down on carbs, which are yummy, I suggest focusing on the real toxins that are eating up humanity — selfishness, greed, and lack of human dignity. Gluten is pretty awful though.

 

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Stop recycling

 

I’m not talking about that blue garbage can type of recycling, I’m talking about cutting out the digging into your past to recycle old flings, old friends, and old mindsets.

 

Now, you’re thinking “So I should just give up on Tommy, and with it my faith in humanity’s ability to change and evolve?”

 

To that I’d say “You clearly didn’t read my blog about humanity’s necessary plight for eternal change. You’re a terrible friend.”

 

Change does NOT, however, apply to fruitless past relationships. Your ex-boyfriend is your ex-boyfriend because he lacked generosity, empathy, and swag, and is NOT your current boyfriend. Simple.

 

Also no need to hit up every semi-cute guy from your past that you did NOT date, either. High school, college, old work colleagues — stop trying to make old clothes fit again. There’s a reason Project Runway has been on this long, fashion is ever-changing. Your vision of love should to.

 

Same applies to those friends who added very little value to your existence, told you the honest truth when you really wanted to be coddled, and never listened to you vent about how unfair it is that Joseph Gordon-Levitt is married. They can go out the window with your ex-boyfriends. New year means new blood.

 

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At the end of the day, another year just means tax season is soon approaching. So don’t be so hard on yourself, there are plenty of people who’ll do that for you. You might as well start appreciating yourself for what you truly are — an imperfect and limited human being, that’s going to fail many times before learning to laugh at the entire mess.

 

Happy New Year, baby!