4 Scenarios That Tell You Everything About a Person

 

 

Figuring out whether the person you’re best friends with, seriously dating, or blood-related to is truly good-natured can be tricky. People always put their best foot forward at first, and hold back their ugly habits…

 

…until they are put in a situation that forces it out of them. (Which I’ve learned happens during four important scenarios).

 

I’m going to share these scenarios with you out of pure generosity — and with this knowledge I send my wishes that you don’t suddenly find that everybody in your life really sucks. If you do, it’s OK, because at least now you have a proper barometer for gauging future superficiality.

 

4 Scenarios that Tell you Everything About a Person

  • When something is dropped on the ground

A person’s true nature (be it understanding, angry, or terrorist) comes out when something is accidentally dropped on the ground. For example: As a kid I would drop a lot of stuff, usually very messy stuff like glass cups filled with gazpacho, bowls of spaghetti with red sauce, or potted plants. My mom’s reaction was usually pure disappointment — which explains why I turned out to be so type A.

 

If you’re dating someone, drop something super colorful and messy but of no consequence on the floor in their kitchen. See how they react. If they’re like “oh it’s all good” and help you clean it up like nothing ever happened, they will be the best life-partner.

 

  • When WIFI is slow

A true sign of healthy impulses is how an individual reacts when the internet is super slow. Especially if he’s in the middle of an important google search. Now, when the WiFi suddenly freezes up, and the error message, or “searching for network” pops up, observe!

 

If the relationship in question responds with, “WTF?! I F*$KING HATE TIME WARNER, that GODDAMN MONOPOLY!” then guess what they’re going to say when someone forgets to water the succulents weekly or bi-weekly, it’s so confusing when to water them…?!

 

On the flip side, if the response is calm, level-headed, and multi-functional (suddenly this frustrating moment provides an opportunity to make a snack or a cocktail), then you’ve found a mate worth keeping. (Because the internet is usually really slow, which means lots of food and booze in your future.)

 

  • When you’re ugly sick

A great scenario to gauge a human’s ability to care for you during times of despair, as well as sustain a monogamous relationship past the honeymoon stage, is a cesspool of ugly pale-faced runny red-nosed contagious smelly needy sickness.

 

If your new best friend in question, or Tinder prince, is dropping lines like “you’re the one” or “we’re, like, the same person” — contract the flu.

 

There’s no better test of a relationship, and a person’s level of care for you, than when you’re sick, ugly, and wearing unwashed clothing for several days in a row. If they make you soup and tell you that you’re beautiful when unshowered, unshaven, and un-made-up — marry them.

 

  • In traffic

The ultimate test of a person’s love for you, for themselves, and for life in general is how they react when there is bumper-to-bumper traffic, and it’s hailing, in Los Angeles.

 

People are at their lowest when forced to inch forward at an excruciatingly slow pace, while limited to an uncomfortable seated position, and making the procrastinated phone calls to their family members back East. It is in this low low place that one’s true nature emerges.

 

So if the person you’re with reacts with profanity, crude gestures, and a gloomy projection of life for all eternity, then you should consider cutting the cord on the relationship. However, if you’ve put them to all the above tests, and this final one shows them giving elderly the right of way, and gently thanking the cars that allow him into their lane, then you’ve found yourself a winner.

 

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The above four scenarios have proven time and time again to shed light on the true character of any person in my life. And while my family could only produce two sentiments — disappointment or a loud tirade about the unfairness of life. I have faith that you will experience gentler results in your life.

 

Godspeed.