GUEST BLOG: Written by Dustin Dugre
[Cover Photo: Becky Bordo & Dustin Dugre, Downtown LA]
Breasts are weapons. Aside from the occasional party pooper who disagrees, it’s well-known amongst people of all ages, races, creeds, and denominations that tittays are God’s gift to humanity. Not just men, but women agree here.
Still you ask “what makes such beautiful objects so harmful?”
Lets run through some scenarios that should help you stay abreast of this critical global situation, and steer clear of some terrible scenarios.
@ THE BAR…
You’re a normal guy, not a knock-out, but reasonably clean cut and responsible-looking. In a dimly lit bar on a Wednesday night, if a girl with a nice rack catches you quietly eye-balling what she’s packing in her sweater, she’s going to be flattered. In fact, if you play your cards right, the sky’s the limit for a guy in your situation: single, decent job, your own place in the nicer part of town.
And then it all goes wrong when your drunk buddy (who you didn’t really want to bring, but you did because you’re a stand-up guy, and he’s pretty well connected in the finance world wherein you hope to land a new job) rushes over to your table spilling beers all over the place, complaining about how he accidentally pissed all over himself in the toilet and somehow blames it on the way the bar was designed.
After drunk pal demands you buy a round of shots to help settle his nerves, he throws in an, “Oh, by the way, did you see the bazookas on the girl at the table next to us? Jesus Christ, do you have any idea what I would do with something like that? You think she has any kids? I bet you a hundred bucks I could milk her. Think of all the starving people in Africa. Girls like that could save the world! But they don’t, do they? They just hoard it all up there for themselves.. I hate you, bitch!”
And he throws his beer in her face meaning you will never ever get the chance to go to the top of the mountain. You’re guilty by association.
@ THE DENTIST…
You’ve been getting your teeth examined by the same dentist since you sprouted them. But he’s a dude. So what’s the problem? The voluptuous female oral hygienist, that’s what.
She’s been working there since her early twenties and now you’re in your early twenties. Sure she’s 38-ish, but she’s been hitting all of the diet and exercise fads through her entire adult life so she looks pretty damn good. Your dentist isn’t an idiot, he knows having decent looking women with maternal racks around the office is a win-win situation for everyone. Plus, he likes to keep the heat on high in the autumn and winter months to encourage buttons on smocks to come down a few notches. Since she thinks you pose no threat she’ll take her smock buttons way down.
The key is to keep it cool, and play “I’m relaxed in my chair with my eyes pretty much closed.” As soon as she’s cleaning your pearly whites, those eyes can peep the goods. Also, avoid your mother co-visiting (since she knows your perversions, and will call your Ms. Oral Hygienist out quicker than a cop at a drug bust).
@ FEMALES ARE NOT OFF THE HOOK
Ladies, you absolutely do not need to be a lesbian to be staring at tits for way too long. Even if it’s for reasons other than being attracted, female-on-female over-ogling carries plenty of weight. Whether it’s for assessing bra-size or brand, or for judging what type of breast the other woman has so you can compare with the image you have of yours, none of these reasons to let your eyes overstay their welcome are sufficient.
Other chicks know damn well when they’re being judged, and it’s enough to make a bitch go cray. If met with the right female during the wrong time of the month, any unsuspecting innocent glare artist can find herself in a knock down drag out brawl just for being a little too curious. So here is what you should look for when checking chicks out just for the hell of it, ladies.
RED FLAG #1: Body Art/Accessories.
While visible tattoos, chain smoking, and pounding cocktail after cocktail in a tube top with chronic nip slippage can just mean she’s an exuberantly fun person, it could also mean she’s a ticking time bomb ready to cross paths with any easy target, you frail judgemental bitch. So be careful. She will break you.
RED FLAG #2: Muffin Top.
Nothing says I don’t give a fu*# more than a big ole muffin top. So don’t get caught looking, even if it’s as unavoidable as a neck goiter the size of a basketball. As soon as you start wondering about how her pear-shaped behind is not proportional to her tiny lady-parts, you’ll be catching a beer bottle between the eyes.
RED FLAG #3: Class.
For the most part, high society ladies will entertain their boobs being checked out if its by a fellow elite socialite (who might comment on the high quality of the breast, or breast job). They will also entertain a good boob-prod if done classily by someone of a lower class, as they will assume it’s due to this person’s desire to be just like them — thus feeding their ego. Use your judgement when messing with someone of “class.”
Unfortunately, the majority of men and women alike will not be able to get away with checking out boobs in public for any extended period of time no matter how healthy or flattering to the person you think it is. As sad as it is to say, even if a well-endowed woman decides to wear a soaking-wet white wife-beater without a bra, there’s an unspoken right that she has to not be continuously glared at even if we feel like she’s deliberately making a spectacle of herself. The best thing we can do is to handle our business behind closed doors, and try to behave like adults. Even if we just love us some boobies!