How To Be The Cool Chick At a Football Watching Party

 

Above all else, I believe your 20s is about learning how to be yourself.

 

Just like every chick in her 20s, my sense of self is determined by how much boys like me.

 

And so, the amount of fun I have at a football watching party (which is just a fancy name for grown men in tight pants chasing balls playing grab ass) is clearly determined by my ability to land the cutest guy there. And you know who I’m talking about. The effortlessly handsome chap who’s totally into the game but can play three John Mayer songs on the guitar.

 

Since landing the cutest boy at the party is a huge part of your 20s…

 

…so is mastering how to be his perfect other-half.

 

 

Preface  |  At most parties you will find various stock characters — the jocks, the dim-witted blondes looking to make lots of Facebook friends & gossip, the no-nonsense no-filter chick who knows all about the game and whose groin is injured, and of-course our coveted cute boy.

 

And then there’s the ‘I’m sexy and forgot to tell you’ girl-next-door role. That’s who I wanna play, and I’m pretty confident that I have the chops.

 

The simple 3-step recipe to being the cool girl:

 

1. Dress neutral — Think Fruit of the Loom ad. Jeans and a T-shirt, something that makes the guys think “she definitely came to watch the game, not discuss fashion” and “if she looks this cute in cotton, I bet she’d look great in my t-shirt tomorrow morning.”

 

2. Be interested, not fanatical — Definitely google which teams are playing (and bring a bag of extra-gluten chips). But don’t get into specifics about the plays, who was traded from where, who played what on which previous team, and what their trajectory is for the rest of the season. Stop it. Let the crazy football-fan-bitch do the talking and set up your spike. Cute Guy doesn’t wanna date his dad (unless Cute Guy is gay, in which case refer to future blog post “How to know if my crush is gay.”)

 

3. Play to win — When in doubt, ask intelligent pointed questions that allow Mr. Cute Guy to showcase his incredible wealth of football knowledge, for example “what just happened?” Then in a very subtle fashion, make coy eye contact with him. Try to find a seat within his field of scent and mirror his body language. Don’t broadcast your perfection, let it occur to him.

 

Then, when the time is right, just state the most obvious sports clichés, like “they need a back who can run north/south!” (north/south is a fancy term for TOWARDS THE END ZONE) or “that guy’s athleticism is off-the-charts,” or bring up random stats that are impossible to fact check, like “do you know that the Seahawks have won 59% of their road game coin tosses?” and boom. You are both cute, funny, and on point.

 

4. Don’t get cocky — It’s easy at this point, once you’ve clearly sealed the deal, to get a big head. This will only agitate the blondes, and infuriate the football-fan-bitch. You don’t want to rely too heavily on your defensive line.

 

Now let’s play ball!