You’re probably worried about me. I would be. My last blog was all about starting fresh for the new year, and now it appears as though I’ve thrust myself into the midst of Online Dating Filth.
Well I have. And only because I truly believe that the Light can be found in the depths of Darkness.
And the darkness in question is TINDER.
I recently went back East to visit family, and while I was home my best friend from high school — the one who has a deliberately-constructed dating profile for each and every app, from JSWIPE (the Jewish Tinder) to OKC (not the Oklahoma Airport). She suggested I download the most necessary dating app for a single female. Tinder.
At first I undertook the typical “Oh God, girl, I can’t even with that app.” And then I stopped myself. Then time stopped. The heavens opened up, and some enigmatic force moved me to overturn my judgements, suck it up, and admit that my addiction to online shopping could absolutely translate into online MEN shopping.
Now, mind you: I was in Philly at the time of my first Tinder Swipe. And Philly is not known for its beauty and grace.
My thumb quickly swiped left, in fact, the Swiping Left Dance went on for several minutes — at which point my friend nudged me to pay attention to our Martinis and besties’ convo. I couldn’t help it. I was hooked. Amazon-hooked. I could keep shopping all day long, it was just so easy and comfortable.
And just as I was putting my phone away — there he was. My prince. Well, ok not quite. But he was definitely a pretty face among the Philly mugs. I swiped right, and DING!
It was a match.
The second act of this email is less about the nitty gritty of my love-escapades with my Tinder prince, but more to express the tips for becoming a TINDERELLA.
I truly believe that love finds you when you aren’t looking, or when you’re looking in the unexpected places. Like Tinder. No offense.
**For those of you who don’t know how Tinder works. Because I didn’t know until last month. You get a whole stack of guys (or girls) nearby, you see a default picture, age, and their witty bio. If you like them, you swipe right, if you’re grossed out or don’t think they’re up to snuff, you swipe left. If you aren’t sure because the default is of a ridiculous action shot that obstructs half their face, you can tap on the picture and see more photos. Easy enough.
HOW TO BECOME A CLASSY TINDERELLA
Rapid Fire Tinder — This usually happens when you Tinder-drive, giving you the ability to cover distance but not get too far away from your Tinder nest. Since Tinder matches those eligible crazies closest to you, the swipe-speed must be picked up! A bonus is to swipe right on EVERYONE, it doesn’t matter who. If Tinderella wants her prince, she has to kiss Tinder frogs. It’s part of the process.
Drunk Tinder— Alcohol loosens the ego’s grip. A glass of Cab, or a stiff Manhattan will get those manicured appendages dancing, and hopefully with someone whom you may not have otherwise found to be swipe-right-worthy.
Wing-Tinder — Hook failed Tinders up with your friends, it’s good Tinder Karma.
TinderNational — Tinder in other cities, Tinder abroad. People want what they can’t have permanently. If you are out of town and in a new hood, to Tinder is to tantalize. But hey, you never know. You may just find a keeper who has a mobile business, can relocate to Ohio or wherever you’re running your network marketing business from home selling organic face creams, and can provide you with the lovin’ you need. Or you’ll just land a fun temporary fling on your otherwise long road to soulmate.
Tindersonality — Staying true to your own voice, and having fun with the whole Tinder process will only draw more fun to you. Negativity is stagnant energy, and it repels worse than bad looks. But excitement, enjoyment, and ease creates a nice flow of air that will likely waft in something yummy.
Tinder Swag — When all of the above fails, make a shirt, put your Tinder shot on it, and create a movement!
*The above is a real shirt, available for purchase.
Contact firstname.lastname@example.org for more details you creep.