How To Decrypt Lies Women Tell

 

Every woman in her 20s has to learn to confidently deliver white lies. Don’t fight me on this. You’re still a good person.

 

As I navigate(d) the art of dating around, I had to perfect the precious art of white lying to escape the worst that dating had to offer. This skill was super-useful in relationships, because they need it, too. Without lies, life is too painful, especially when there’s that guy you’re dating that once closely resembled Prince Charming, but sucked shortly after the second week.

 

In the early phases of dating, lies are crucial.

 

But, lies are also ALWAYS important in a relationship because men are super fragile. My Big Fat Greek Wedding once said that while the man is the head, the woman is the neck, which means she can turn the head in whichever direction she wants. Women have a lot of power, so in order to not completely crush a man and ruin him forever (which most women do regardless) learning to lie is really for the greater good of society.

 

So is deciphering what the lie actually means.

 

LIES WOMEN TELL

(AND THEIR DECRYPTION)

 

1. I’ll be ready in 15 minutes.

 

(I just started getting ready. So give me like an hour and a half.)

 

2. I can cook.

 

(I can make eggs. Sometimes. But I can order delivery REALLY WELL.)

 

3.  That was good.

 

(I don’t want to hurt your feelings. But. That was bad.)

 

4. Do whatever you want!

 

(So long as it’s within the confines of what I want.)

 

5. I’m not into drama.

 

(I minored in Theatre, and will absolutely break into a full-wardrobe Shakespearean BITCH at the drop of a hat, or a sock, on the floor.)

 

6. I’m not mad.

 

(I’m F*@&n LIVID!!!)

 

7. He’s just a friend!

 

(…that I’m planning on hooking up with if we ever “go on a break.”)

 

8. I never did that before!

 

(I’m so embarrassed that I just did that AGAIN!)

 

9. I’m fine!

 

(I’m borderline suicidal. Gimme a minute.)

 

10. I’m not interested in your money.

 

(I certainly want to have good conversation, shared interests, and a deep-seated passion for one another. But, the amount of money you make is absolutely a reflection of your skill, our future children’s ability to go to college, and my ability to get a weekly mani-pedi.)

 

11. I had fun with your family.

 

(Your brother’s kinda weird. And your Grandfather kissed me on the lips. Why?)

 

12. I don’t know how he got this number.

 

(I’m a mess. Sorry.)

 

13. Babe, it happened a long time ago.

 

(I can’t believe he retained a piece of information! Wow.)

 

14. You said I could do it.

 

(…while we were both drunk. And I remembered. You didn’t. You never remember things except for bad things I’ve done a long time ago.)

 

15. No, I’m totally not jealous.

 

(I will kill her, then you, then myself.)

 

16. Ok, only one drink.

 

(I’m open to one drink leading to seven. YOLO.)

 

17. She’s so cute.

 

(If you like ugly women. Ugh. I am so jealous right now. And angry. And dramatic.)

 

18. I’d never do what your ex did.

 

(I really want you to like me, but damn, you’re repeating old patterns buddy.)

 

19. I’m not trying to be your mother.

 

(You’re really repeating old patterns, buddy!)

 

20. Of course I cooked this!

 

(What’d I tell you, I can reheat shit!)

 

21. I’ll massage that for you.

 

(…for two minutes, in exchange for you tickling my back for 30!)

 

22. I only said it because I love you.

 

(I may not have a filter, and I’m sorry. I probably do love you.)

 

NOTE: The decryption-per-lie varies cross-culturally.

 

Good luck! And if you’re smart you won’t call out a woman on a lie from the list above, but secretly giggle and know the truth internally. But you’re probably much more reactive than that, and will end up causing a big scene. So the staff at SILIMT takes no responsibility for any relationships ruined by this blog post, or any other posts for that matter.