HOW TO DUMP A TOXIC FRIEND

Severing toxic ties with a soul-sucking friend is almost tougher than quitting eating late-night.

 

You know what I’m talking about.

 

It’s seemingly impossible to ditch that friend who talks non-stop about their personal problems, never listens to yours, eats all your whole foods, yet never has anything in their kitchen, borrows your True Religions (returning them with cigarette holes), and tries to sabotage your new budding romance because if she’s not happy, no one’s allowed to be!

 

Welcome to friendships in your 20s!

 

I once had a friend who would argue with me over who saw the cute guy at the bar first —  as if it were a parking spot. Then she’d do this awful I’ll-one-up-you-cuz-I’m-crazy thing. If I wore a skirt, she would wear a shorter one. If I wore hot pants, she would wear a negligee with feathers. The battle would wear me down, it was like the Hunger Games, but significantly less sexy. Get your own life, right?!

 

Due to a debilitating fear of confrontation, I used to just stay friends with Miss Toxic. I would carry her emotional baggage like a bellman, and allow the venom to slowly eat up my insides like a tapeworm. It wasn’t pretty, but I did stay pretty slim.

 

Until I realized that there was a break-up strategy to be mastered. Especially in your 20s!

 

The moves are as follows:

 

1. Stop all acts of sharing with crazy friend

 

– Don’t let her borrow your clothes by radically changing your style. Wear baggy, shapeless clothes in muted colors. Or those Justin Bieber diaper pants.

– Find out her food allergies and restrict your diet to only those foods.

– Don’t lend her any money by not carrying any. Plastic all the way.

 

2. Out train-wreck her

 

– Tell her you’re pregnant and you’re not sure which member of the band is the father.

– Disappear to “rehab.”

– Ask if she’s ever smoked black tar heroin or slept with a blood relative. If she says yes, seriously you might be in danger — get out of this relationship!

3. Avoidance

 

-Spend all your time at work, at another friend’s house, or the gym. Places you never really go.

-When she sends the “I miss you” text, avoid it.

 

4. Seal the Deal

 

-When she inevitably confronts you about your suspicious disappearance,

become overly emotional. Employ monologues like “I thought we were sisters, it really hurt my feelings when you stole my OPI nail polish and let it bleed all over the floor. I’m not in a place to deal with that, I still want to be in touch, but it just can’t be like before.”

-Crying helps. So does expressing urgency. Drop “I have someplace to be. It’s an emergency,” and leave.

 

5. Move out

-Whilst making minimal eye-contact.

The key in your 20s is to dump a whole gang of duds, until finally, in the final years of your 20s you discover some gems.

 

Happy hunting!