How To Hide Your Farts From Your New Boyfriend

 

 

As humans, with one of the most inconvenient anatomies of any creature on the planet, we have to quickly learn to mask some of our more embarrassing tendencies. As babies, it’s totally normal to #2 your pants, drool, fall asleep in random places, and make no sense. But at some point, around your teen years, you become self-conscious. Somewhere around the age of 13 you mildly care what people think, and so picking your nose stops, as does defecation in your pants (I’d hope). It’s not easy, however. These habits are often guilty pleasures, but your wall-booger collection isn’t going to win you many friends.

 

With your 20s, comes the more serious phase of dating and making good impressions in the workplace, as well as the expectation that you have all your shit together. Literally. Which means no cutting-that-cheese in public, folks.

 

Dating While Under The Influence Of Flatulence is a brutal battle, though. You’re fighting to make a good impression while simultaneously fighting to keep your digestive tract under control.

 

I’m not going to blame farting on emotional issues, or my gastrointestinal system (people of the Jewish blood are apparently prone to issues with lactose, gluten and neurosis). I believe that the sooner one faces their issues head-on, the better. BUTT I will share some brief and simple tactics I’ve devised to hiding your farts from new love prospects:

 

1. The Toot and Talk | This is a classic, “lets walk and talk.” Grab new-boy-toy’s hand, with urgency, like you guys are going somewhere important or getting away from an evil troll. And let it rip as you walk. Continue the conversation as if your destination is in fact clear to you, and then declare you’ve changed your mind and no longer need to go that way.

 

*NOTE: Do not go back in the same direction from which you came. The crop-dusting that’s occurred down your recently-travelled path may not be pleasant.

 

2. The Slow Burn | Sometimes it’s a fancy dinner, or you’re watching BOYHOOD, and you can’t get up for like 4 hours. Just grab your cardigan, put it over your lap, and slowly (SLOWLY!) release your gas. The sweater will soak up the sound and potential smell of whatever’s happening slyly underneath.

 

*NOTE: Do not immediately remove that sweater to avoid showering your guy with a fragrance of funk.

 

3. The Private Poot | One of my favorites, also known as the Harvest And Reap. Save up all that air, and then find somewhere private (restroom, your car, an alleyway) and let it rip. Make sure no one’s around if you’re not going to let her rip slowly, though. Don’t be embarrassing, c’mon!

 

4. Beneath the Sheets | Sometimes a nice evening turns into a warm cuddle-slash-sleepover. But your tummy isn’t ready to retire. So wait until your lover is asleep, poke him & ask a quiet question about his favorite color or book or something, and when he doesn’t respond, and you’re sure he’s asleep, do the following:

 

a. Make a barrier with your hands in the sheets to halt airflow between you and your sleeping mate.

 

b. Lay on your back and again SLOWLY (we are trying to avoid sound, dummy) let out the excess air in your tummy.

 

c. PRAY homie doesn’t wake up, or that the new putrid linen spray doesn’t filter through the sheets and wake anyone up.

 

d. Close your eyes, if the guy smells anything, it’s better to not have a conversation about it because you’ll probably lose.

 

5. Blame | Let it rip nearby and blame it on the weirdest-looking person in the room.

 

These five strategies will get you well on your way to hiding that hot air from a new boyfriend.

 

Because option six occurs during Month Two or Three in a relationship, or if you’re like me, Week Three. This scenario involves an accident that rips the bandaid off — you’re making out, he holds you tight, and out of nowhere comes that sound of a fart-gone-wild.

 

At this point you have a choice. You can crawl inside yourself and deny, or hate yourself forever. But then there’s the other choice of laughing at the sudden sound, and acting like a human. Also remember that now, the seal has been broken, which means your relationship has elevated to a whole new level, which can be really good.

 

NOTE: Just tame yourself. No need to go nuts with the farting. Let’s keep it classy gals. Boys still find it hard to believe we poop (that’s for another blog).

 

Good luck and may that force be ever in your favor 🙂