Your 20s are like unsafe roller coaster rides — the old wooden ones where you could die, or get some serious whiplash.
No one comes off a 20s roller coaster completely unscathed — from the ups-and-downs of love, the loopdy-loops of the sense-of-self, and of course, the most dreaded spiral of weight gain and loss.
I mean, no offense to anyone who has a family member, friend, or former self that suffered from an eating disorder — that shit’s brutal — weight is certainly one of the many stressors of your 20s. Men can lie about it, but they care about their appearance, too!
And while the old adage holds “don’t judge a book by its cover,” we all know why Harry Potter did so well. That cover was tight!
So, learning to lose 5 pounds practically overnight is a crucial skill in your 20s. You never know when an ex-boyfriend will be flying into town, or when you get invited to some red carpet hoax and need to appear in a tight dress & sheepish grin. But more importantly, being able to drop 5 pounds overnight-ish comes in handy when you’re just plain old feeling down, because nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.
My go-to “5 pounds lighter” techniques
- Throw out half your meal & walk — You’ve seen it done. Ask for a take-away box at the beginning of your meal, dump half the already-tiny French Cuisine-portion-sized-meal into the box, and eat the remains on your plate. Trust me, your stomach doesn’t need as much as your brain desires.
And supplement your half-portions with handing over the keys to your gas-guzzler and walk everywhere instead. You have an audition in Santa Monica and you live in Hollywood, 10+ miles away? Walk! Need some toilet paper from the local Costco? Buy the 30-roll pack and walk! Visiting your friend on the 30th floor of their downtown loft? Take the stairs! Get my drift?
- Cleanse — I have undertaken nearly every cleanse in the book, from the Master spicy lemonade stand cleanse, to Raw Food poop-in-your-pants cleanse, to Juicing pee-in-your-pants cleanse. They all work because each cleanse shocks your body into pseudo-starvation, while simultaneously putting so many actual live nutrients into your junk-food-infested body that your intestines literally give up, give in, and flush everything out. If you want more details, email me — firstname.lastname@example.org, I’ll send info, no judgement.
- Victoria’s Secret Motivation — If you’re competitive, this one works wonders. First, buy several Victoria’s Secret magazines. Second, set aside an hour to sift through the scantily clad images. Cut out several of the hottest, tonest, thinnest models (so cut out the entire magazine), and scream out to heavens about the unfairness of human nature. Third (and most importantly), paste these skinny bitches all over your apartment — bathroom mirror must be covered, cabinets and fridge must be covered, and your bedroom and wardrobe area need to be addressed properly, as well.
Extra credit — add some motivational quotes in red & black sharpie to the images, (i.e. “you can do it!” “work harder!” “these bitches don’t even look real!”)
- Drink a lot of water & coffee — Usually hunger is a result of dehydration. You’re not even hungry! So a trick to a quick 5 pound weight loss is to drink lots of water, and coffee (which simultaneously curbs your appetite & dehydrates you more) and thusly drink more water! This cycle can go on for 48-72 hours, during which, food will feel like a long-lost friend. Should you get light-headed, sit down. And thank me later when you’re 5 pounds lighter and all your laundry is folded, dishes washed, and living room feng-shuied from your caffeine high.
- Eat only green things — Eating a single color for 24-48 hours will fire up your metabolism & your deep-seated boredom. Sorry buddy, losing weight means routine, and routine is only boring if you’ve lost sight of the end goal. You can’t have your cake and eat it too, and WHY THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT CAKE RIGHT NOW?!
There are more fad diets popping up than pimples on a hormonal teen. But don’t be swayed. The five techniques above WORK! And if you should need further guidance, don’t pay money for a nutritionist with degrees, email us and we’ll give you the skinny.