How to Nail a Job Interview

Attempting to land a job is a bunch of crap. The whole process is wildly unreasonable and outdated.

 

An in-person interview with a stranger? Even Tinder allows you to see if you at least have some mutual friends. It’s like — can’t we do it by text? Or just grab an alcoholic beverage and see if we vibe first? An in-person formal interview is way too much human interaction of the unpredictable kind. I can handle those wasted. But during the day? Totally unfair.

 

Realize that in this new cyber-digital-posting-texting age, one of the three activities that you actually have to handle in person is a job interview. The other two are broken down in “How to meet your boyfriend’s parents” and “How to survive jury duty” — and even those I’ve managed to do via Skype.

 

Here are a few steps I learned in my 20s for successfully navigating a job interview:

 

1. Do your homework— homework never mattered as much as it does now. Use all the legit outlets for your due-diligence (Wikipedia, Google, Facebook, LinkedIn, eh why not — Tinder) — researching what the company does, where the company is located, where the closest parking garage is located (can’t go paying $15 every 15 minutes — you need a job!), and whether the employees are good-looking or not.

 

2. Wear business attire — get dressed up like the best episode of Scandal. Remember: this interview is essentially an opportunity to buy a fabulous new outfit. Keep in mind that color counts, since most likely the other interviewees will err on the side of plain. Pick a color to suit your personality. If you’re fun and energetic — wear persimmon, if you’re smart and earthy — wear chartruese, if you’re boring and useless — wear brown.

 

3. Prepare answers to the most popular interviewer questions — there are several staples of office interview questions:

“Where do you see yourself in five years?”: (I personally go with my favorite monologue from Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead).

“What was the last book you read?”: (I oscillate between Moby Dick and Devil Wears Prada based on my audience — if the interviewer is male and/or conservative, go with the former. Otherwise the latter works for any female interviewer, and is easily watched in 2 not-so-painful hours).

“What three words describe you?”: (thesaurus.com has some awesome picks, my personal go-to’s are responsible, resourceful, and really employable).

 

4. Use examples — “examples for what?” you may ask.  To which I respond, “shut up!” Stop thinking so much! These examples don’t need to be relevant to the question, or any question. Starting your sentences with “for example” automatically elevates you to a higher level of sophistication and hireability.

 

5. Be unique — think of the most unusual experience you’ve ever had, or heard. It can be something new, borrowed, or used. As long as it can’t be proven wrong, you’re in the clear to spring it on the interviewer once you both are warmed up. Bonus points if you can lead into your unique story with a “for example.” (“For example, when I got a massage at a women’s prison in Thailand….”).  Off you go.

 

6. Be inspired — the moment before is important. Get yourself in the mood. Listen to Sara Bareilles’ “Uncharted,” Beyonce’s “Girls,” and Rihanna’s “SNM.” I always cue up my favorite scenes from Working Girl for extra support.

 

7. NAIL it in the right order— the interviewer should definitely want to have sex with you, let me make that very clear. But sign the paperwork, get in cozy with HR and your colleagues, and only then may you nail the interviewer.

 

Once you land the job you actually have to work, and so I’ll leave you on your own. There will be no subsequent blog posts about how the hell to do that.