How to Show the Right Amount of Cleavage

Like every great sport, there’s training involved. And I’ll admit, I had no idea how to play the game of showing the right amount of cleavage to my benefit at first.

But that’s what growing up is all about.

 

And with growth, come the incomparable rewards to mastering this feat: landing a killer job, getting out of a pricey speeding ticket, or getting a full bar tab taken care of.

 

———–

Goal Setting Stage

 

Every great volleyball spike has its careful set-up. And cleavage-baring is no different.

 

Before inching that tank top down a couple notches, it’s crucial to determine:

 

-What is your goal?

-What are you working with?

-And can your cleavage in fact assist in attaining this goal?

 

Prelude | Cleav-ometry

 

Just so we’re on the same page — there exists a deliberate mathematical principle to properly computing the adequate amount of cleavage to bare, if any at all:

 

(value of the thing you want)

+

(value of the sexual attention)

(value of possible sexual harassment)

(potential harm done to your character)

=

Cleavage Baring Level

 

Bottom line — more is more when keeping kosher company. If Mister Grabby Pants is in your midst, you’re likely to get a load of creepy stares, and no substantial reward. So pick your setting wisely, and quit wasting cleavage-energy.

 

Self-Assessment

 

Answer the following questions honestly and truthfully, unless you have a Victoria’s Secret Push-Up bra, in which case I’m sure things can be finessed.

 

1. Where are you going? (are we going on an audition, on a date, on jury duty? each event has its own sliding scale of appropriate amount of cleavage)

 

2. What are you doing? (will you be jumping, sliding, or tumbling? will you be spending 99% of the time perfectly vertical? both you and your ladies need this one answered)

 

3. What are you working with? (are you a barely there-A, a blossoming B, a curvaceous C, etc? as I mentioned above, if the girls can’t cozy up next to one another to create some cleave, it may be best to keep them tucked away and expose a better asset, like your legs or locks)

 

4. Who are you trying to attract? (there’s the right kind of noticing, and then there’s the kind that gets you either arrested, harassed, or Facebook-blocked)

 

After the self-assessment phase is complete, you may move on to…

 

Prep

 

After the above questions have been addressed, the DOING may begin.

 

CLASS A | Absolute Cleavage

 

CLASS A | You’ve declared that you are going somewhere fun and flirty (date, drinks, a funeral) and could benefit from the sassy sistas showing.

Your objective is to be the one and only person seen by all individuals of the opposite sex. The higher percentage of cleave you show, the higher the likelihood of success.

You also double-checked that no jerky movements are involved on the day-of, so that slinky top with a deep-v neckline will do the trick. Your ladies are substantial enough to work with, filling the top portion of the plunge neck with something to look at — especially since this funeral will create a great opportunity for you and the gals to nestle a sad man’s weary head.

CLASS B | Barely Cleavage

CLASS B | You’ve deduced that your destination is somewhat cleave-appropriate, and your objective would benefit from some asset-sharing, but also from some deep conversation, and leaving something to the imagination. So it’s time to whip out the cute tank top.

Class B would benefit from some bolder eye-makeup and hair, perhaps some relaxed curls.

Ladies in this class tend to desire attracting the humble prize — the nanny position, the girl-next-door role, the nursery school teacher, the man who will love them for who they are on the inside.

 

CLASS C  | Concealed Cleavage

CLASS C | You’ve realized that both your objective and the scenario are not cleavage-conducive. You’re either visiting your Orthodox side of the family for Shabbos, trying to earn Karma with the Dalai Lama at a Buddhist retreat, or applying for Med school.

While you realize that your ladies may actually be worth sharing, and you’re actually debating whether to bust them out regardless — trust your gut, it’s better to keep them concealed.

Less is more in this case. Especially since upward-facing-dog is a bitch for a C cup and above.

 

**NOTE: Thanks to the advancements of our current Age — the Age of Aquarius — the girls have many more options to play with. With the invention of the push-up bra, chicken cutlets (not the food, the padded inserts), and Instagram filters came the opportunity to enhance your appearance .

But the bottom line is that no matter who you are, what your objective may be, and what your cup size actually is when push comes to shove — don’t worry! Seeing any sized breasts reverts guys to age 15… even if they’re buckwheat pancakes.