Your Cell Phone Plan Says Everything About You



Part of growing up is picking a cell phone plan for yourself. Something stylish and sleek. Something that says I wanna talk, but not to a loser. Something smooth, not pretentious.


I find that your cell phone plan says a lot about the terms & conditions of your personality. Just check the fine print below.


Mr. Pay-As-You-Go | As non-committal & one-foot-in-one-foot-out the door as you can get. These folks want the option to quit life at any time, and prefer to leave no trace. Pay-as-you-goers hate looming debts, as they are also forgetful and apathetic. They usually don’t have bank accounts either, because they don’t believe in The System. They say things like “we’re living in the matrix.” Potential mobsters.


No Contract Plan | A false sense-of-security. This new mainstream no contract plan really means — we still have a contract, it’s just called “no contract” so you feel like you have freedom in this marriage. These plan-holders are usually ambivalent about settling down, they have a tough time setting boundaries, and hate the status quo. A Gemini or Sagittarius.


Nights & Weekends | The holders of this confusing plan are either psychics, phone-sex operators, or calling Israel. Like, why nights & weekends only?


Unlimited Plan | Baller! The Unlimited Planner is of the young, wild, and carefree sort. He doesn’t want to think about paying as he goes, or dealing with weird labels, or being confined to time frames — he wants to go balls to the wall, call/text/tweet at any time, all the time, FUCK the time.


Family Plan | The family planners are your typical gregarious, communal and thrifty types. The ones who want the most bang for their buck, and to be a part of the pack — they hate doing things alone. They also find themselves self-sacrificing for the sake of the whole. Like, even if they hate the phone that comes with the plan, they won’t make a fuss because they don’t want to pay more for a terrifying individual plan.


*NOTE: If you’re still on your parents’ plan (as opposed to being on a family plan with your friend, or your sister, or your boyfriend) then that’s a whole different type of human. You’re either Middle Eastern & never moved out of the house, or you’re Middle Eastern and out of the house but dependent on your parents nearly as much as they are on your love for them.


Dual Cell Phone Plan | The person with two cell phones or two bills or two numbers or two personalities is just straight up shady, or just a workaholic. One or the other. Likely a drug dealer.


Side note on cell phone TYPES:


IPHONE = You are cutting edge and more right-brained. You are playful, and want to stay connected to those around you. You enjoy bright colors, fast cars and the occasional gluten-free meal.


BLACKBERRY = You are grounded and a long-term thinker. You don’t give in easily to the newest fad, like coconut oil or Smart cars. You have fat fingers, and very little hand-eye coordination.


DROID = You are a truth-seeker. While you admit to knowing a lot, deep down you don’t know how much you don’t know. But someone’s gotta bag groceries.


ANY OTHER MODEL = You’re a thousand years old.


Did I miss anyone?