I was talking to my friend Jen the other day and she was talking about this amazing massage she just got from Burke Williams and that I HAD to go. I said “We don’t go to those places.” She said “Who doesn’t?” I said “Guys.” -Andy Kozel
Every guy in their 20’s will have heard the quintessential friend-stumbling-onto-a-“happy ending”-massage-parlor-story. Such an event is a rite of passage for an adult male living in a big city. The pre-excitement, the illegality, the mystery of what she’s gonna look like, the “turn ova” — it’s all part of the experience. And frankly, there’s nothing worse than a massage that ALMOST turned XXXtra, but didn’t. That’s the Burke Williams shit, and you don’t want that. That’s for women. And the last thing a guy in his 20s wants is to pay $200 to lay naked on a table while a guy that looks like his buff friend Troy knocks on the door and asks, “Mr. Kozel, are you ready?” (shudder)
I mean, can you blame us, women? It’s not our faults. It’s how we’re wired. (The same way we don’t understand why you like chocolate so damn much. It’s not THAT good!)
And I’m not talking about prostitution brothels. Those are dangerous. I’m talking about nicely lit massage parlors that men and women can both frequent, but that just so happen to give guys a little bit more. That’s all.
Well guys, here are a few tips I’ve learned in my 20’s that should help you spot, navigate, and attain that extra rub:
1.) The right spots always seem to have that same blue and red electric “Open” sign.
Have you ever been driving by a place that makes you wonder if it’s a legitimate establishment or not? Well, let me be clear — darkened out windows don’t always mean “happy ending.” However, in my early years I’ve found that the illegitimate places always seem to have that same type of blue and red electric “Open” sign.
Note: Beware of places where the girls have mini-skirts and high heels on, or places that say “Acupuncture” but look like someone’s apartment. Those are brothels. You don’t want that. (Unless you do. But then that’s a whole other ball of wax you’re getting yourself into.)
BROTHEL & DANGEROUS
2.) The lucky places are always open till 10pm.
Have you ever been driving by a massage parlor at 10pm and it’s still open? Well, there’s your first clue that it’s a “happy ending” locale.
I mean, c’mon, who really needs a massage that late at night? This is a no brainer.
NOTE: The “past 10PM” refers to establishments that already look palatable during the daytime (refer to lesson 1). NOT places that you wouldn’t ever go into during broad daylight — because while these places may also be open past 10P, they are still nasty no-no’s!
(Never go into a basement for a massage. I don’t care how horny you are.)
3.) If Random guys in their 20’s appear to be window shopping in businesses around the massage parlor…it’s a winner!
Have you ever been driving by your neighborhood massage parlor and see random 20-year-old guys, alone, window shopping in businesses next to the parlor (shops they have no business window shopping at)?
Well, that’s a “happy ending” spot! Many times, when young guys find out about a “happy ending” location, they frequent it a lot. AND they tell all their friends. Unfortunately, these massage parlors usually only have a few girls working at one time — so when guys hear “come back 10 minutes, busy,” they usually go for a mindless 10-minute zombie-like stroll before returning. That’s what you’re witnessing. It’s part of the drill.
4.) Those enormous boxer shorts on the table are a bad sign. Turn around.
If you go into a place that you think might be a “happy ending” spot, and they ask you to put on those enormous boxer shorts— get out.
That’s a legitimate establishment. And that’s their polite way of saying, “Hey, we give Thai massages, but this ain’t Thailand. Put em’ on.”
Just politely tell the woman, “Oh crap, something came up. I have to go.” And she’ll politely give you your money back.
5.) If the spot has bad female YELP reviews— go!
If you’ve been wondering if your neighborhood spot is “happy ending” friendly, and need that last little sign of reassurance. Take down the address and plug it into YELP.
Any illegitimate massage parlor will always have bad reviews by women. Technically, all massage parlors have to accept both female and male clientele, but the illegitimate ones probably don’t want females in there. So they will likely give these women a really bad massage to keep them from ever coming back. It’s kind of like when you always ask your roommate to do the dishes and he intentionally does them badly so that you never ask him again.
Example: SuzyJohnMayerFan7: “Worst massage ever. I’m never coming back.” (Good Suzy, stay away.)
6.) Act like you’ve been there before & lay face-down, naked, without a towel over you.
So you’ve finally made it in, you’re ready for the massage, BUT you’re not sure how to ask for it.
Well, that’s an old wives tale. If it’s a “happy ending” joint, they never ask. They usually just do it. It’s the pre-massage signals that you give them that will let them know that you’re hip and it’s on.
a.) When they ask if you’ve been there before, say yes. (Pull out some random name: “Of course, I got CiCi last time.” This gives them the OK that you’re not a cop, and that it’s safe on both sides).
b.) When getting on the table naked, always lay face down WITHOUT a towel over you. (I know it might feel weird, but this action shows the masseuse that you know what you’re doing. If she comes in and sees your boldness, she will start the massage knowing that you’re just a horny 20-year-old, and you’ve come for the happy ending — as opposed to a cop coming to take her to jail).
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Andy Kozel is a stand-up comic, actor, and SILIMT guest blogger. Check out more of his work: